As a licensed marriage and family therapist and mother of three, I spend a lot of time thinking about our kids’ minds and how we can best support them. I’ve found Erik Erikson’s Identity Development Theory especially helpful in understanding my children through a developmental lens.
In the 1950s, the Harvard University scholar and father of five outlined his robust framework for psychosocial development. Erikson posits that humans cycle through eight stages in their lifetimes, each with a unique developmental milestone. If conditions are right and children successfully navigate the challenge, they gain a core interpersonal skill and lay the groundwork for a stronger sense of self, while issues can lead to difficulties later in life.
In every instance, it’s about striking a balance. Parents aren’t expected to be perfect, and Erikson notes that discomfort, boundaries and failure are essential for children to develop a healthy level of trust, autonomy, industry and confidence in the first five stages of life. With the right opportunities and support, he says, our children develop strong identities grounded in core virtues like hope, will, competence, purpose and fidelity.
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Harvard University scholar and father Erik Erikson’s framework lays out a guide for fostering trust, autonomy, confidence and a strong sense of self.
Stage 1: 0-18 months
Milestone: Developing trust in others and the world
Virtue: Hope
Infants rely on others for survival, expressing their basic needs by calling out to caregivers. When they’re met with care and concern, the baby develops a sense of trust, which leads to hope, a fundamental idea that people are reliable and things will be OK. Neglect in this stage could lead to fear, anxiety and mistrust later in life.
Parental playbook: There’s no such thing as being too nurturing at this stage. Respond to cries promptly by giving your babies what they need, whether it’s a diaper change, food or attention. It’s alright if there’s an occasional lag (Erickson says infants learn to make their needs known through discomfort), so long as you show up most of the time. Consistency is key—if there are multiple caregivers, ensure everyone is equally attentive, so your baby knows they can feel safe and loved.
Stage 2: 18 months to 3 years
Milestone: Discovering autonomy and independence
Virtue: Will
While the previous stage relied on caregivers to meet basic needs, toddlers have to learn independence and personal control over their bodies to develop will and self-confidence.
Parenting Playbook: These months of discovery can be interpreted as defiant (hence the nickname, the Terrible Twos), but your kid is just finding their way. Encourage your toddler to try new things and give them room to explore the world around them. You can set parameters to let them experiment safely and reasonably, like letting them choose between two snacks or building in time so they can dress themselves. Often rebuking their adventurous whims, being impatient and critical, doing everything for them, or seeming overtly fearful or anxious when they branch out can surface as a lack of confidence as they progress through life.
Stage 3: 3-6 years
Milestone: Taking initiative on activities
Virtue: Purpose
Children encounter the world through structured environments in school. They start making decisions and facing expectations over how to behave. Kids must learn to set goals and carry them out while being mindful of others to develop a sense of initiative and purpose.
Parenting Playbook: Teach and model boundaries (like asking before taking someone’s toy), help with goal setting and offer plenty of praise along the way. Peers and teachers become significant influences at this stage (as kids interact with new people and environments, they learn social norms and develop initiative). Check how your child gets along with others by organizing play dates, observing interactions after school and communicating regularly with teachers about their progress in the classroom.
Stage 4: 6-12 years
Milestone: Developing core skills
Virtue: Competence
Children’s social worlds expand in elementary school, and they learn many emotional, social and academic skills in group settings. Kids start to rely on their cognitive and physical abilities to navigate the world. They can develop a sense of inferiority if they struggle or have all their problems solved for them; they gain competence if they see themselves succeeding and receive praise.
Parenting Playbook: This new stage requires you to trust your child. Encourage problem-solving, ask questions and point out previous successes to help them gain confidence. Avoid focusing on high achievements, such as accepting only straight A’s, which can lead to feelings of inferiority and unrealistic expectations. Instead, praise efforts over outcomes by saying things like “I can see you put a lot of effort into studying for that test,” or “Wow, you worked really hard to meet this goal.”
Stage 5: 12-18 years
Milestone: Discovering who they are
Virtue: Fidelity
Adolescents develop their identities as they try on different roles in their environments and through relationships. If teens aren’t allowed to explore, have strict roles imposed on them or find the process overwhelming, they may feel uncertain about who they are and their futures. Success in this stage results in a strong sense of self and a clearer vision for themselves entering adulthood.
Parenting Playbook: This is often the hardest stage for parents, as they feel kids pull away. Instead of feeling hurt, remember this is an appropriate part of their development. Use discretion when intervening in your teens’ decision-making. Consider letting them try new things without exerting your will; give them space to experiment and make mistakes (when they’ll learn the most); and respect their growing need for privacy. It’s still important to establish a framework of safety and values. You can increase their buy-in by involving teens in discussions around rules for curfew, screen-time and daily chores. This gives them a sense of control over their schedules and makes it easier for them to adhere to the rules, because they contributed to the conversation. Consider establishing a monthly family meeting to continue the discussion—a great way to foster open communication with your teens. Whatever guidelines you establish, you’ll get far with your kids by acting compassionately and providing positive feedback throughout this big stage of self-discovery.
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Each new developmental milestone comes with new challenges to navigate and opportunities to blossom.